In ten days, Barack H. Obama Jr. becomes president, relieving the Earth of its burdens. We can report these developments:
- The president-elect confirmed that his mother-in-law will be living in the White House. But he refused to assign her a room, saying that's the president's job and "we only have one president at a time."
- CIA Director-designate Leon Panetta was warned by Washington police to stop hanging out under streetlights in his trenchcoat, with a cigarette hanging from his mouth. Panetta claims he was just getting experience.
- Mr. Obama conceded that his transition team got carried away when it sent his economic message to Congress in a vehicle called The Ark of the Stimulus. "I'm not Moses," the president-elect joked, as he stepped quickly out of the way to avoid a burning bush.
- Hillary Clinton is suggesting that we send an envoy to the mountains of Pakistan to live among the people, in tents with no electricity or running water, to woo them away from Al Qaeda. No word on who the envoy would be, but Clinton's note pad contained the name "C. Kennedy."
- Vice-president-elect Joe Biden won his battle with the Obama team and will, once sworn in, receive his own office with Princess phone. There is no agreement on a desk or parking space.
- Bernard Madoff, who swindled investors out of fifty billion dollars, is being considered for secretary of commerce. Obama believes that anyone who can swindle people for years while convincing them that they're getting rich belongs in a liberal administration.
January 10, 2009.